The Great Importance of Listening

(Apologies - just after I decided to keep my blog more up to date, everyone got ill, including our dog(!) so once again it's been longer than I hoped).

In this blog post I want to focus on the teenager with autism and anxiety.
I think it's very easy to assume that when our children become teenagers, they no longer require as much input from us. However I want to challenge that way of thinking. I think our teenagers need us just as much as they ever did.

One of the best ways to support your teenager is to make sure you really listen to them when they're talking. Take an interest in what they're saying even if it might seem mundane. Know their lives, their teachers and TAs, their friends, their timetables. Know when they have exams or tests and in what subjects. By taking an interest in all of these things you will understand their lives much better than if you stop listening as soon as they reach the age of 13. You can genuinely take an interest when they tell you their friend was off school ill. You can sympathise when they have a subject they don't like or are worried about a test. An excellent way to reduce anxiety is to know exact details about your teenager's life so you can have conversations with them that matter to them. Being able to unload their stresses or talk about their successes to you will help incredibly.

A clear sign that your teen is stressed is by them not wanting to talk or by them getting frustrated with everyone. Often this can be diffused by asking simple questions about the day to breakdown exactly what might be causing the stress:
"Was Daniel back at school today?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that Daniel is a good friend and he was off the previous day)
"How did English go?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that English was a particular issue today due to the work involved)
"How was the science test?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that the science test was a big stress)
"Did you get a chance to talk to Mrs Jones about the computers homework?" (you know from previously talking to your teen that this homework was especially tricky and therefore extra stressful)
Often, once you've asked a few specific questions, your teen will feel much calmer and react in a more rational way. You're helping them to unwind and feel safe. By knowing particular facts about your teen, he/she will really know that you are interested in his/her life and this will reduce stress and anxiety.

I'd also recommend not having other distractions. Don't be looking at a mobile phone or tablet while 'listening' to them - this will make them think you don't care. Put distractions aside and really focus on your teen. If there are other children around (which I totally understand as a mum of 3), ask them to wait or do something else while to talk to your teen. Teenagers with autism need to know that you can hear them and if other people are trying to talk at the same time or you have one eye on your mobile phone, it will cause more anxiety and stress for them as they feel unable to engage fully with you.

In summary, listen without distractions and take a genuine interest in your teenager.
Thanks for reading!

Night Terrors

Night terrors are something which affect numerous children including my own son, so I thought this post might help if you too are having problems in this area. My son Archie suffered with night terrors really badly. At one point he was having several every night which was exhausting for all of us. Night terrors can occur when a child is stressed or worried or when there is a change in circumstances (such as moving house) but they can also occur spontaneously.

A night terror is different from a nightmare because with a nightmare, the child wakes up upset after a bad dream & wants to be comforted. With a night terror the child has no idea what is going on. They are effectively still asleep while crying out, screaming, hitting, kicking, biting, being very aggressive, yet have no idea they are doing it. As a mother, the thing you want to do is comfort your child if he/she is in distress. The frustrating thing about a night terror is that although your child is distressed, no amount of comforting will help, and in fact he/she is likely to push you away or become more distressed when you try to help them. The only thing you can do in this situation is try to keep your child from hurting himself/herself. The night terror will eventually stop and it will be completely obvious when it has because the child changes completely. They are no longer distressed, but calm, and confused about why they are awake, and why you are there. They have no recollection of what just happened, and will at that point normally settle back to sleep.

If your child is suffering from multiple night terrors or a night terror every night, I can recommend a solution. Our GP told us to try this and said it was the only thing she had found to work with night terrors. Basically, you wake your child up about 30 minutes before the time they normally wake up with a night terror. Give him/her a drink of milk and settle them back to sleep. This simple technique breaks the sleep cycle and is enough to stop the child entering the phase of sleep where the night terror usually occurs. This worked amazingly with Archie, and we found that he was so sleepy when we tried to wake him that we didn't need the milk to get him back to sleep, he simply fell straight back to sleep again. In fact we often couldn't wake him up but just rousing him was enough to stop the night terrors. After a few nights of doing this, Archie's night terrors stopped. I'd highly recommend this method and hope it works for you too.