The Great Importance of Listening

(Apologies - just after I decided to keep my blog more up to date, everyone got ill, including our dog(!) so once again it's been longer than I hoped).

In this blog post I want to focus on the teenager with autism and anxiety.
I think it's very easy to assume that when our children become teenagers, they no longer require as much input from us. However I want to challenge that way of thinking. I think our teenagers need us just as much as they ever did.

One of the best ways to support your teenager is to make sure you really listen to them when they're talking. Take an interest in what they're saying even if it might seem mundane. Know their lives, their teachers and TAs, their friends, their timetables. Know when they have exams or tests and in what subjects. By taking an interest in all of these things you will understand their lives much better than if you stop listening as soon as they reach the age of 13. You can genuinely take an interest when they tell you their friend was off school ill. You can sympathise when they have a subject they don't like or are worried about a test. An excellent way to reduce anxiety is to know exact details about your teenager's life so you can have conversations with them that matter to them. Being able to unload their stresses or talk about their successes to you will help incredibly.

A clear sign that your teen is stressed is by them not wanting to talk or by them getting frustrated with everyone. Often this can be diffused by asking simple questions about the day to breakdown exactly what might be causing the stress:
"Was Daniel back at school today?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that Daniel is a good friend and he was off the previous day)
"How did English go?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that English was a particular issue today due to the work involved)
"How was the science test?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that the science test was a big stress)
"Did you get a chance to talk to Mrs Jones about the computers homework?" (you know from previously talking to your teen that this homework was especially tricky and therefore extra stressful)
Often, once you've asked a few specific questions, your teen will feel much calmer and react in a more rational way. You're helping them to unwind and feel safe. By knowing particular facts about your teen, he/she will really know that you are interested in his/her life and this will reduce stress and anxiety.

I'd also recommend not having other distractions. Don't be looking at a mobile phone or tablet while 'listening' to them - this will make them think you don't care. Put distractions aside and really focus on your teen. If there are other children around (which I totally understand as a mum of 3), ask them to wait or do something else while to talk to your teen. Teenagers with autism need to know that you can hear them and if other people are trying to talk at the same time or you have one eye on your mobile phone, it will cause more anxiety and stress for them as they feel unable to engage fully with you.

In summary, listen without distractions and take a genuine interest in your teenager.
Thanks for reading!

Attempting to reignite my blog after a long gap. Life is always so busy - the everyday always seems to zap all time, but I'm hoping that I can try to find a little time to create updates possibly weekly or fortnightly. I'll do my best, although whether starting this so close to Christmas is wise, I don't know! We'll see. Starting off with a new name  - The Autism Lounge - although that may change if I think of something I like more. See what you think!

January update - I've now decided to try naming my blog the same as my book, Faithfully Parenting Autism. This ties in with my book but also explains what I'm trying to do with my blog posts. Lets see how it goes.

Again it's been a massively long time since I posted but I suppose that's the way it is when you have a special needs child.

Sam is now 12 and his main struggle is anxiety and panic. He's started having panic attacks and worries about everything. Will he get ill? Does he have cancer? Does he have appendicitis? Will he die today? Is his heart too fast? Every little feeling in his body is interpreted as a possible catastrophic illness. He's also started panicking about having to go anywhere - school, church, in a car, into most buildings, restaurants etc. He's missed lots of school and struggles to get there every day.

It's draining behaviour. He's exhauseted and we're exhausted. He questions everything (often numerous times) for reassurance, but he's never reassured. We're in very close contact with school and the SENCo has been great. We've also taken him to see the GP who recommended counselling and contacted the Paediatrician who is sending some resources to try and help.

This isn't a very positive post but I wanted to check in and will try to update the blog more regularly than I've been able to recently. I think the best thing to do in this situation is try to get as much help and advice as possible. I'm researching everything I can think of. Any advice from other parents, greatly received! Thanks!