Knowing the secondary school teachers

I was planning to write one post on secondary school but there is so much to cover that I've decided to write a few separate posts on different topics so you have more chance of getting to the end of the posts! The first is on knowing school staff.

It might seem obvious, but get to know school staff as well as you can. In Primary school this is fairly easy as staff are usually fairly accessible and there are lots of opportunities to help out with reading or on school trips. However, once your child moves to Secondary school, the opportunites to help disappear. School feels much more distant because there’s no taking your child to the school gate and chatting with other parents or teachers. You really only see staff or other parents on parents evenings or whole school events. This is why it’s best to find out all you can about the staff responsible for your child. The Senco may be able to help with this or if not, another member of the Senior Leadership Team should be able to provide details. Go to parents evenings to meet the teachers your child has. Talk to them and get a feel for what they are like as well as using the time to talk through any specific issues your child has with the lesson.

This may vary school to school but at our secondary school it’s possible to email any member of staff using the same email formula. This is brilliant as it means all staff can be emailed directly. Additionally, if emails or messages don’t get through, the Senco is happy to forward or chase up messages for us.

It's also good to give staff as much information as possible about your child so they know what to expect. Although the Senco will have given all staff information specific to your child, some teachers seem to respond more to information directly from a parent because it is more memorable. Email (if you have this facility) when you can/need to. If there's an issue with homework/classwork/seating plans etc, let the teachers know. In my experience they do their best to accommodate where they can and would much rather know about problems before they escalate. Remember, if they don't know there's a problem, they can't help. Be the voice for your child when he/she is unable to voice their own concerns. Don't assume that just because they are secondary school age they can sort themselves out. Children with autism may still need you to be their voice, especially when they're stressed. Always be polite and courteous when contacting teachers. Keeping contact positive will help you, them and your child.

Hug, hug and hug some more!

A very short blog post tonight on hugs(!), but I'll try to post again soon!

Hugs are a great way of relieving stress! I know all children with autism are different, and some don’t like to be touched but if you have a child that can cope with the sense of touch or even enjoys being hugged, then hug them as much as you can. This doesn’t have to stop just because your child reaches the teenage years. Hugs are just as good at relieving teenage stress as they are at relieving younger childrens stress and they’re free too! So hug, hug and hug some more!

The Great Importance of Listening

(Apologies - just after I decided to keep my blog more up to date, everyone got ill, including our dog(!) so once again it's been longer than I hoped).

In this blog post I want to focus on the teenager with autism and anxiety.
I think it's very easy to assume that when our children become teenagers, they no longer require as much input from us. However I want to challenge that way of thinking. I think our teenagers need us just as much as they ever did.

One of the best ways to support your teenager is to make sure you really listen to them when they're talking. Take an interest in what they're saying even if it might seem mundane. Know their lives, their teachers and TAs, their friends, their timetables. Know when they have exams or tests and in what subjects. By taking an interest in all of these things you will understand their lives much better than if you stop listening as soon as they reach the age of 13. You can genuinely take an interest when they tell you their friend was off school ill. You can sympathise when they have a subject they don't like or are worried about a test. An excellent way to reduce anxiety is to know exact details about your teenager's life so you can have conversations with them that matter to them. Being able to unload their stresses or talk about their successes to you will help incredibly.

A clear sign that your teen is stressed is by them not wanting to talk or by them getting frustrated with everyone. Often this can be diffused by asking simple questions about the day to breakdown exactly what might be causing the stress:
"Was Daniel back at school today?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that Daniel is a good friend and he was off the previous day)
"How did English go?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that English was a particular issue today due to the work involved)
"How was the science test?" (you know from talking previously to your teen that the science test was a big stress)
"Did you get a chance to talk to Mrs Jones about the computers homework?" (you know from previously talking to your teen that this homework was especially tricky and therefore extra stressful)
Often, once you've asked a few specific questions, your teen will feel much calmer and react in a more rational way. You're helping them to unwind and feel safe. By knowing particular facts about your teen, he/she will really know that you are interested in his/her life and this will reduce stress and anxiety.

I'd also recommend not having other distractions. Don't be looking at a mobile phone or tablet while 'listening' to them - this will make them think you don't care. Put distractions aside and really focus on your teen. If there are other children around (which I totally understand as a mum of 3), ask them to wait or do something else while to talk to your teen. Teenagers with autism need to know that you can hear them and if other people are trying to talk at the same time or you have one eye on your mobile phone, it will cause more anxiety and stress for them as they feel unable to engage fully with you.

In summary, listen without distractions and take a genuine interest in your teenager.
Thanks for reading!

World Autism Awareness Day - insight into Autism...

I can't believe it's a whole year since I posted on my blog! My new post is once again about autism. It's not written to make people feel sorry for me or because I need encouragement - it's written to help other parents of children with autism to know they're not alone, and to give people with no first hand experience of autism an insight into what life with autism can be like. This is written to coincide with World Autism Awareness Day 2014...

Last weekend Sam (who is now 10) went to his first ever sleepover at a friend's house. This was a massive step for him as he generally hates being outside of what he knows and never voluntarily wants to even play at a friend's house, let alone stay over night. However, Sam has made friends with a lovely boy at school, who is very similar to him and sympathetic to Sam's ways. This friend had a party at his house a few weeks ago and after enjoying that a lot, Sam said he would like to go to his house for a sleepover. The time was arranged between us mums and on Saturday afternoon we dropped Sam and his scooter off at his friend's house. Waving goodbye to him was really strange and he looked as if he might cry but managed not to.

The next morning (Mother's Day), we picked Sam up on our way to church. When I first saw him, I thought he looked really tired and when I found out both he and his friend had been awake at 4am, I knew the reason why! Not helped by the clocks changing and having one less hour in bed. Sam's friend's mum said everything had gone well and welcomed Sam to come again anytime. We left and headed to church.

Sam was very quiet in the car and barely spoke despite our questions about how much he enjoyed himself. He almost seemed in shock, which in a way, he was. After church (it being Mother's Day) we headed to McDonalds to get some lunch - this is generally a safe place to get food because all the children like it. Sam remained quiet and kept saying how tired he was. It emerged that having woken up at 4am, Sam was unable to get back to sleep so he simply lay awake until everyone got up at about 7.30. He said he missed me lots - especially in the middle of the night when he couldn't get back to sleep.

The afternoon consisted of the children flopping in front of a film while I did some sewing, and at 5.30pm we ordered food from our local Indian Take Away - my Mother's Day treat! We all ate together having cooked some chicken nuggets for Sam (who doesn't like Indian food) and combining them with popadums and naan bread which he does like. However everything was wrong, the chicken nuggets weren't right, and Sam got upset because he never actually said he wanted them in the first place (we simply cooked them to save him having to decide as decisions cause him major stress). He dissolved next to me in a heap of tears. It was obvious he was just too tired and stressed to cope with even eating so we simply got him ready for bed.

Sam fell asleep almost instantly (even without his prescribed Melatonin!), an exhausted wreck. At 3am he came into our bedroom because he couldn't sleep. He was really worried about going to school the next day and couldn't relax. I took him back to bed and tried to calm him down and encourage him. I said he could listen to his Ipod to help him relax but this only stressed him more because he didn't know which song to listen to, and he felt he had to stay awake to switch it off (the correct thing to do) even though I said he could fall asleep with it on. At 5am I heard loud sobbing. I went back into his room and found Sam in floods of tears - he'd seen the time and realised how long he'd been awake for and now this was stressing him out! I climbed into bed with him and hugged him tight. I told him not to worry about school and promised he could stay at home the next day. Immediately he relaxed and managed to calm down. I said I really felt he needed more time to 'recover' from being away from home and his tiredness. We lay together and chatted about his time away and he finally released some of the details about the time at his friend's house. This seemed to relax him even more. Nothing was bad, it was just all different to normal, and that's what he couldn't cope with. I left him much happier this time, relaxed in the knowledge that he could go to sleep without having to worry about school or being tired at school. I called the school at 5.30am (and left a message) to say he wouldn't be in. He slept until 9am.

Monday was spent relaxing at home, with normal food, drinks, drawing, books, TV and the Wii. He seemed back to his normal self again.

Something that to most children would be exciting, like a sleepover, becomes a massive problem to a child with autism. Being outside a comfort zone can be unbearable. As with everything to do with autism, slow and calm is the way to move forward. By Tuesday, school was not the massive issue it had been on Sunday night/Monday morning, Sam simply needed time...and lots of TLC which I never mind!

An insight into autism...

I’m writing this post to coincide with World Autism Awareness Day and to give people an insight into what it’s like to go on holiday with a child with autism.

Taking autism on holiday is no easy thing! I’m going to write about a recent family weekend away with my son, Sam, who is 9 and has autism.

Sam greatly anticipated this weekend as he would get to see his cousins and grandparents, however the anticipation is never matched by the reality and inevitably within a few minutes of arriving at our destination, I could sense Sam was stressed. He hovered next to me and asked repeatedly if he could play angry birds on my mobile phone. Sensing this would calm him, I agreed and he sat on the sofa alone, playing the game and calming down.

The cousins’ house was new to us and part way through various renovations. This immediately stressed Sam. To him, everything should have looked like a proper finished, neat house, and it didn’t. Even at the age of 9, he couldn’t understand why things were unpainted, undecorated or unfinished even after lots of explanation. There were also piles of clutter in various places (a relief to me – that I wasn’t the only mum with some element of mess in the house!) but a major stress to Sam. Of course our arrival didn’t help the house to be any more tidy as we had our own luggage and needed to sleep on floors, all of which added to the distress Sam was feeling. I tried to reassure him by telling him that it’s hard not to have a cluttered house with 3 children and that decorating was part way through but he was incredibly stressed by his new surroundings. He kept saying “I liked their old house” and “I’m not saying I don’t like this house, it’s just so cluttered” then repeating the statement over and over – “Mummy, I’m not saying I don’t like this house, it’s just the clutter”…. “So mummy, I’m not saying I don’t like this house, it’s just the clutter”. We were all given one bedroom to sleep in which was great as it was easier to sort out any children who were awake in the night, however at bedtime, Sam was incredibly sad. He didn’t want to come into the room (which had cracks in the walls and half ripped off wall paper), but after lots of encouragement managed to come in so I could help him get ready for bed. He laid down and sobbed. He was emotionally exhausted. He repeated again why he was so upset “So mummy, I’m not saying I don’t like this house, it’s just the clutter”. I hugged him, told him I understood and he eventually fell asleep holding my hand.

(By contrast, my other children had a fantastic time playing with their cousins, not at all concerned with the house or décor – just interested in playing!).

The next day we’d planned to visit a local miniature railway as Sam loves steam trains and was very excited at the prospect of being able to visit and ride on a miniature train. The venue was a huge success – although the weather was freezing – and we all enjoyed riding on the train and then spending time in the park and looking at the model railways that were set up. As the cold got to us and we decided to leave, Sam was sad. Not because we were leaving but because he wanted a miniature railway of his own (he’s constantly asking if we can build one in the garden!). To most children this may be a passing comment but to Sam it presses on his mind for the rest of the day. Something we’d done for him and which should have made him happy, ends up making him sad because he can’t have the unrealistic thing he really wants. He loses sight of the nice thing we’ve done and the enjoyment he had doing it and focuses on the fact that he can’t have a miniature railway of his own. His mood spirals downwards and he then moans for the rest of the day about wanting something he can’t possibly have.

In the afternoon Sam and I went out with my sister-in-law and one of her children. It was calm and peaceful with only 2 children. Sam seemed to love it. The purpose of the trip was simply to look at lampposts – Sam’s other passion! He loves lampposts, knows exactly where they are, which numbers are where and which side of the road they are on. Going to his cousins’ house was no exception. As soon as we entered the outskirts of the town he was commenting on the types of lampposts and was very excited to discover that they were in the process of replacing the old lampposts with new ones! My sister-in-law took us on a mini-tour of the town to include as many unusual lampposts as possible – this was both perfect and fascinating for Sam.

The day before leaving we visited the marina so that Sam could see the bridges he likes there but there are also lampposts which he loved counting. His obsession with lampposts includes having to know how the numbering of them works. He enjoyed figuring out the numbering system here even though the lampposts were on different parts of the marina.

Sam did have fun at the weekend too. He loves playing with his cousins but autism is always there and is always more noticeable at times like this when he’s out of his comfort zone. We know that Sam will be more stressed at times like this and know that he just needs more help, more reassurance and probably more cuddles through the time away than a typical child would. Sam may look and even seem ‘normal’ to other people but autism is always there and impacts the whole family and any family holiday. I hope this helps you see a small glimpse into what autism is like and how it impacts life every day.

Night Terrors

Night terrors are something which affect numerous children including my own son, so I thought this post might help if you too are having problems in this area. My son Archie suffered with night terrors really badly. At one point he was having several every night which was exhausting for all of us. Night terrors can occur when a child is stressed or worried or when there is a change in circumstances (such as moving house) but they can also occur spontaneously.

A night terror is different from a nightmare because with a nightmare, the child wakes up upset after a bad dream & wants to be comforted. With a night terror the child has no idea what is going on. They are effectively still asleep while crying out, screaming, hitting, kicking, biting, being very aggressive, yet have no idea they are doing it. As a mother, the thing you want to do is comfort your child if he/she is in distress. The frustrating thing about a night terror is that although your child is distressed, no amount of comforting will help, and in fact he/she is likely to push you away or become more distressed when you try to help them. The only thing you can do in this situation is try to keep your child from hurting himself/herself. The night terror will eventually stop and it will be completely obvious when it has because the child changes completely. They are no longer distressed, but calm, and confused about why they are awake, and why you are there. They have no recollection of what just happened, and will at that point normally settle back to sleep.

If your child is suffering from multiple night terrors or a night terror every night, I can recommend a solution. Our GP told us to try this and said it was the only thing she had found to work with night terrors. Basically, you wake your child up about 30 minutes before the time they normally wake up with a night terror. Give him/her a drink of milk and settle them back to sleep. This simple technique breaks the sleep cycle and is enough to stop the child entering the phase of sleep where the night terror usually occurs. This worked amazingly with Archie, and we found that he was so sleepy when we tried to wake him that we didn't need the milk to get him back to sleep, he simply fell straight back to sleep again. In fact we often couldn't wake him up but just rousing him was enough to stop the night terrors. After a few nights of doing this, Archie's night terrors stopped. I'd highly recommend this method and hope it works for you too.